I'm in L.A. in the room that collects treasures my grandmother finds at WalMart. I'm on the futon I spent 7 years on. The mattress is different. It's thinner, and I can feel exactly where the rails protrudes through the bed. The Walls are tanned. I painted them to inspire my family to remodel our broken house; it didn't work. The window has bamboo blinds to cover the piece of glass missing from the frame. A cylinder burlap lamp shade hovers over its gold neck and green glass orb base, which I found around the block long ago. The 60-watt lighting is the only thing in the room that's familiar to me.
Today I went to spend the evening with my dad's side of the family. I had been preparing for this since I last saw my step mom and new siblings in December. Yesterday my mother was telling me to wear this Pacific Sunwear like collared shirt my uncle gave me when I see my dad. Of course I got in a fight with her about it; and rightfully so. Its my body and I can do what I want with it. He's damaged my self esteem enough to be weak about it now. And their fixation on my attire defining my sexuality won't change. I told her I already had the perfect outfit planned, reminded her that I'm almost 23, and left it something like that after some yelling.
My step mom, Ofelia, told me that I was a little backoffish last time I saw her, and she said not to be nervous when I see the family again. I told my mom that the only way they're going to know who I am now is if I don't hold back anything. That being said, when Ofelia picked me up, I wore my blue and vintage white stripped shirt and my olive green jeans.
I walked in Sergio's backyard with my little brother, who shared my first and last name, in my arms. As I got closer to where I saw my uncle Sergio, Luis, and Juan (my god father). Juan stared at me in his chair long enough for him to collect his judgments before getting up to say hi to me. Luis stood up with his sun glasses glued to his face. Both showed the least among of interest when I first arrived. I can't help but think og the fear they had for their manhood as well as their children's' when I tried playing with them and got to know them. Even though I received palms full of love from 18 family members, Juan and Luis were 2 others who made me feel the most unwelcomed. I initially avoided them because I was scared of the questions they would ask. I first stayed indoors to catch up with the little ones. Then Ofelia said I should go outside.
Sometime later, I had sat across from Juan and Luis. Juan started asking me questions about my living situation, my job status, how I got money, where it came from, did I have to pay it back, and what the cost of my rent was. He stopped frilling me after that and said that I had a good deal for my apartment. he asked what I would do after I graduate. This was not the conversation I was expecting to have with my god father, who I hadn't seen on over 4 years. Luis interjected somewhere to ask if I had any internships in my field. I told him I did. To Luis and my uncle Juan, my job, education, and experience that can be printed on paper with a gold emblem were signs of achievement and success. I was surprised they hadn't asked what my grades were; a topic that seemed more important than my well being when I was in high school.
My dad showed up later. I expected more suspense, but there was a hug and "How are you?" My uncle Sergio seemed to be the only one who warmed up to me. He knows how much I care about my cousins and saw how his daughters and baby son warmed up to me without judgments. My aunt and god mother, Patty, was happy I was there. She wanted to know when I would graduate so they could all go up there. I thought it was weird, since they weren't always into my life before, but I guess they just want to make up for that lost time, so I should be positive about that. I could just have a BBQ or something. But it's a bazaar idea to invite two families from who united in large gathers when I was an infant, sharing love and laughter over hot dogs and beer. I don't know if the Inner Richmond is ready for that many Mexicans.
After the gathering, My dad gave me a ride to another part at my uncles' from my mother's side of the family. He also gave me money which I tried rejecting at first. he said "I know I don't have to give you anything, but I want to". It sounds sweet, but his tone was stern, I got the impression he felt obligated to make up for not supporting me through college. He explained that he thought I was going to spend the night so we could talk, even though he never mentioned this. He said there were things I didn't know about or understand growing up. I listened to him without a response and was reminded of all the times he used to talk to me about life during long drives.
When he dropped me off at my uncles house I felt unsatisfied. I had to see him again on his terms, but knew it was a conversation that needed to happen. Last time I tried seeing him in L.A. to talk about how I was upset he called me once in the last 6 months to tell me he was having another child, he didn't call me until the night before I left L.A. My visits to the south aren't usually long or often, so I was really pissed by his lack of effort. We didn't talk for over 2 1/2 years. Nor did I get a call for my 21st birthday.
The reason this came up was because I happen to do a Myspace search for my cousin, and aunt Patty's daughter, because I had been feeling so disconnected from my family and cultural background. I found her. As an adult 16 year old, she told me about all the new cousins that had been born, family drama, and to reconnect with them. Even though I asked her to keep our dot com conversations private until I was ready to see the family again, she told her mom, and I eventually called her in December to arrange to see them. When they picked me up, she asked if I wanted to see my uncle Sergio and his wife who just gave birth in the hospital. I did, it was rightfully awkward, but a step of course. Then she asked if I wanted to see my grandma. I did, and I was really fulfilled. Then she asked if I wanted to see my step mom, I had nothing to lose, so I did. Seeing my step mom, whom I have always loved and adored for her kindness, was really wonderful. What was most difficult was seeing my 5 year old half sister, and 1 year old half brother. My sister took to me like sprinkles on a donut. She knew who I was, not by my birth name, but by what my friends call me.
The experience of being loved by a child, which I had met only as an infant, was so new and innocent. And I can't help but feel at the same time how selfish people can be for being so judgmental and narrow about how others live their life, but a child can be so welcoming and accepting.
